A Great Big Love

I think my heart just grew. I think I just literally felt it expand inside my chest this morning. Charlotte was laying on her jungle mat, batting at a little mobile animal, and she started rubbing her eyes - a sure sign of sleepiness. She cooed a bit, the coo that signals "I'm tired", and so I went over and picked her up. I held her close to my chest and she just molded right into it, settling her little head up under my chin with one hand on my shoulder and the other laying on my heart. I have to say at that moment and the moments that followed, my heart grew a couple sizes.

It didn't come right away for me, this great big love. Maybe it was the first few weeks of healing and major sleep deprivation and really just trying to figure out this whole new mom thing, that my mind and heart were too preoccupied to really understand this amazing blessing the Lord had just given me. But, now, now the magnitude of this gift and the greatness of this love is settling in and I've never known anything like it. Sure, there are moments of frustration when she's been crying for a half hour and I can't seem to soothe her, or when she's just so tired she won't even eat, but those moments pass quickly and thankfully the ones that sink in are those like this morning. Moments I'll remember forever - the smell of the top of her head, her soft downy hair under my chin as she nuzzles in for a good cuddle nap, the smiles and coo laughter she gives us whenever we bring her to the changing table (for some reason, that's her happy place), the way she locks eyes with me when I'm nursing and it seems as if the two of us are the only ones in the universe. A great big love indeed.

I have to say, I was a bit worried about having a daughter. I was told about and have witnessed mothers and daughters having tough relationships and heard it's always easier with mothers and sons. My own relationship with my mother is good now, but it had its share of ups and downs over the years. So, I was a bit concerned about the connection I'd have with my daughter, or wonder if there would be much of one. Now there are no questions in my mind. The love I have for Charlotte has erased any doubt I have had in my mind about whether or not we'd have a good connection. I prayed for months before I had her that if it was a girl that the Lord would be in the middle of our relationship from the start and that he would bring us close together. How could I have had any doubts? That prayer has been answered, and so many more too. She is such a delight in our lives and I can't imagine not having her with us; it seems as if she's always been here in mine and Peter's heart, carving out a place from the very beginning of our love for one another. A great big love.