A Lesson Learned and to Keep Learning

This past Thursday was probably the toughest I've had yet as a new mother. Charlotte woke up with her first cold - stuffy nose, sneezing, slight fever, and probably a sore throat (because that's what I got two days later). She didn't know what hit her, and neither did I. Charlotte is a pretty independent baby. She's not clingy or needy and would rather play on the mat with you next to her talking to her or be held outward so she can look all around, than snuggle up close. It makes me a bit sad at times because I really like snuggling with her, but I'm also very grateful I don't have a baby that can't be put down for more than twenty seconds. Well, she became that baby on Thursday. For the duration of the entire day I had to hold her nonstop. She'd get extremely fussy - ie. screaming - if I set her down for even a moment, and despite being sick, wouldn't nap for more than thirty minutes twice that day. It was the only hour I had all day to sit down. Oh, and she also knew if I was sitting while bouncing her rather than standing; how she knew this I have no idea, but it made me have to stand all day long if I wanted any breaks in the screaming at all. Needless to say, my nerves were completely frazzled at the end of the day and I was hanging on to the knot at the end of the rope by the last thread. I wasn't sure before that moment what it felt like to lose it, but now I'm pretty sure I've got a good idea. When Pete got home at 7:30pm that night, I handed her to him, told him there's NO way I could do this again on Saturday (he was to work all day Saturday), went and poured myself a hot bath and cried in it for the next twenty minutes.

Throughout the day I found myself praying. Lord, please let her nap well. Lord, please make her feel better. Lord, please help her stop crying. That, along with saying to myself, "I can't do this. I just can't do this." I was asking for reasonable things from our Lord of the universe who healed countless sick, died for our sins, and rose from the dead. Surely he could answer these simple requests from one of his children who was just about to throw herself out the window if she had to hear the screaming for one more minute. But, the whole time I was missing the point. As I must remind myself continuously, this life is not about me, about my circumstances, about my comfort. It's about HIM, about HIS glory, about bringing honor to HIS name. I was making the day all about me and about my comfort, how I would make it through the day, and about what I needed. Don't get me wrong, the Lord cares more about us than we could ever imagine. (Psalm 103:11-13) But, this life, the point of this life, isn't about us and our comfort. It's about HIS glory. As I was reminded by one of our elders this past weekend that, "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in comformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory" (Ephesians 1:11-12). It is all about His glory.

Too bad for me I didn't realize this until a few days later after the trauma of the day had had time to settle and wear off a bit. Also long after I spent a day not abiding by this principle one bit, as was evidenced in my mantra, "I can't do this, I can't do this." Instead I should have been telling myself that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". All things! (Phil 4:13) Isn't that amazing?! He is never going to give me any more than I can handle and I'm only going to sink if I let my gaze fall on the waves instead of on his glorious face. (Matthew 14:27-32) So, why do I doubt so often? Why do I question the God of the universe who created this amazing human life inside of me that I'm blessed to raise and enjoy and teach about His love and faithfulness? The answer is easy but it doesn't make growing faith any easier. Paul describes our struggle with sin well in Romans 7:7-24, and as discouraging as it can be to be caught in a cycle of sin, Paul encourages us in the last verse when he says, "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord". Because of Christ we are no longer slaves to sin. And what is sin but a lack of faith. It's doubting God's goodness. The same God who tells us in Isaiah 64:4 and again in I Corinthians 2:9, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." We can't even imagine in our wildest dreams the greatness God has in store for those who love him.

I pray in time I do a better job at loving my Lord. A better job at trusting his promise and making my days about His glory rather than about my comfort. It's a hard lesson to learn, but thankfully I'll have chances upon chances to get it right. And, I may never get it right, and that may not be the point. Maybe the point is continually striving to do better, continually striving to be more like Christ, and accepting the grace he offers me along the way, knowing one day when he comes again I will finally know life without sin.

P.S. We made it on Saturday :).